If I had a dollar for every year of Galloway’s life I’d be a GAZILLIONARE!

When I read that blog, I was thunderstruck. Personally, I don’t
know how anyone could advocate drinking and driving – not matter the
circumstances…
–My Mom

My mom isn’t alone; most often, the stuff I swear is raw spleen-split hilarity gets me the classic ‘I’m embarrassed for you because that is SO not funny’ stare. I learned many posts ago to go on & delete anything that erupts me into double-hunch gas blasts of laughter. The kind of thing that would rudely startle even the mighty Galloway.

Which ain’t easy. Mainly because Galloway — best new friend I’ve made in years btw — turns a gazillion years old today! Happy gazillionth birthday G! For those who don’t know: Galloway is the Cool Blogger Across The Street. Posted some first-rate Fiction recently. Check it out Big Time.

You see some Shit in a gazillion years. All kinds. So what does it take to startle a gazillion-year-old? A gazillion dollars cash I bet would startle him into a happy-fit tizzy. And I bet my very funniest bits could startle him noxious. If I went on & published them…

Can’t do. Don’t dare.

I don’t aim to offend. It’ll happen though…and when it does the offended party can Fuck Off & never come back. Or preferably leave instructions in the comment box for me to do the same…

Huh. Tell someone to zark off from their own blog — now that’d be an Act of Class.

‘You heard that right there blog-boy! Why don’t you do the world a favor & just DELETE this lousy online crap-sack??’
That’s Free Speech for ya, umK? Reader Beware!

But I never wanted to offend my poor mother. Which, I point out, is precisely Why my blog’s url was kept mercifully secret from her.

Well she found it in her own sneaky way — and I realized: if my Mom wants to hang around this crappy joint that’s cooler than SuperCool with me.

So I sent her this email to Clarify my stance of unabashed support re: drunk driving.

Mom — the drinking & driving skits are a Joke.

In 2003 there were 50,000 handgun deaths in America. But only 30,000 drunk driving related fatalities. At cursory glance the evidence suggests handguns are more dangerous than drunks behind the wheel.

Yet the gunslingers have a powerful mega-lobby which deliberately misconstrues the 2nd Amendment; we have local militias armed to the teeth already; as per their constitutional guarantee. Unfortunately they’re all in Iraq — sucks for us when Shit Happens (sunken cities etc) and we need them.

But that’s another story. The point here is if the gunslingers are so well represented well hadn’t the drunks oughta be too?

Now I’m no constitutional scholar. Just another smart-ass American with a loose interpretation of the Equal Protection clause — and a sui generis Zeal for my own damn Freedom of Speech.

I propose we turn more drunks loose to run wild on the road. I know you disagree. Yeah — well I say Get With the Program! Oppose drunk driving?? Mom — that’s just so o pre 9-11.

Think about it: odds are eventually one will collide with a terrorist on their way to car-bomb a Sunday School.

ATTACK THWARTED!!

Support Your Local Drunk Driver I Say!!

It’s the least we can do for the Children.

Meanwhile…anti drunk driving laws are no better than a blatant rip off. A cash cow for cops. Who have if not personal then surely an institutionally vested interest in keeping drunks on the road. Shit — repeat offenders are where the Big Money is!

Hope this clears things up a bit.

Mom-proof blog-post Goes Astray

A question for my readers:

If you had a blog like Open Container speedWay would you give your mother the address?

I think not. For her own Good…She’s on my side. Shit she bought me my lap-top! And she knows my plight. But she surely needn’t learn the garish details.

Consider: my mother was last employed as the pastor for two Methodist parishes in central Maine.

Does she really need to know her son is a close relative to the good-time Devil himself??

My answer to the mom quandary has been to cut paste & email her when occasionally I deem a post mom-proof. Like my last — poet without equal. One swear the whole way through and not a single drug reference. No gratutitous bigotry. Came off I’d say fuck-near respectably…

So I emailed it to her — Subject: Mom-Proof Blogpost. Spliced in a few links because I wanted her to see what kind of cool folks I’ve met hanging around & blogging.

Oopsie.

Here verbatim is the resultant IM volley between Mom & me…

Mom: I have a confession to make.

me: confession??

Mom: Yeah! I found your blog.

me: ARG!!

Mom: Why ARG!!

me: Are you sure you want to read it??

Mom: Yes! and I was pretty impressed by what I did read. However, if you prefer I not read it, I won’t. I probably shouldn’t have looked for it without asking you but I did. I figured one of the links in the blog you sent would have a link to your blog, which is how I found it.

me: Like sneaking through the side-door at a Phish show!! ..how long ago?

Mom: Last night!

me: You know when I added those links I figured you’d be maybe able to find me.

Mom: So it’s ok?

me: I’ll make a cup of tea & ponder for a moment…

Mom: Aslan [my nephew/mom’s grandson] is home sick today – strep throat – and I think I’m coming down with it too. Yuck!

me: yeah everyones got the Yuck around here tooo

Mom: BTW, your formatting in a blog email doesn’t come through. Looks much more better at your blog site. How about you? Do you have the yuck?
Aslan says Hi!

me: Hi aslan!!

Mom: Anyway, if you don’t want me to read it, I won’t.
Aslan wants me to tell you we’re watching Monty Python. Do you like his stuff?

me: Me, no havey the Yuck — if I had the time & space I might come down w/something…probably enjoy it w/my own bed & a kitchen to make soup
Love monty python. Barrel of laughs

Mom: We’re about to watch the tale of Sir Lancelot. Actually, I’m not really watching it; just tuning in.

Mom: U still there?

me: yeah someone just stopped by,
Get this: my friend who just stopped by has a few hours of work for me so I’m off to do that! I’m going to help him demolish a house. Actual work…for MONEY!!

Mom: That’ll be cool! Great release too! Where are you now?

me: KC’s

Mom: I have to admit, I was awfully distressed to read that you’re going for days at a time without sleep.

me: As far as my blog goes mom…I’d love for you to read it BUT…there’s stuff on there YOU may not want to read

Mom: I love reading what you’ve written. And I fully expected I might read things you hadn’t told me.

me: On the other hand I’m proud of my blog more than anything for its honesty…my main concern about you reading it — besides making you old before your time — is that I’d feel the need to censor myself.

Mom: Due to “eavesdropping?”

me: Yeah — almost like you being right there next to me at the party I described in an earlier post where I threw my adderall up after eating LSD…that sort of thing.
Ok I’ll let you digest that. I’m off to tear a house down.

Well. One thing I learned: I will not censor my blog for my mother’s benefit. Any more than she would Praise Shrooms for my benefit when I’d go to her church sermons.

Speaking of psilocybin mushrooms — if you’re still here, Mom, I’d love for you to pop in on this post I wrote a while back. Like the folks in the described study, shrooms have been cosmically good to me.

I’ve mentioned that before. But one thing I’ve never told my Mom is:

Psilocybin mushrooms may prove miraculously beneficial to you too. Give it a prayer & some well informed thought!

Well. Mom. Hunter S. Thompson once said “You Buy the Ticket. You Take the Ride.” I think he meant things like when you sneak onto your son’s blog & next thing you know you’re praying to Jesus about whether or not to try Shrooms!

Oh & one other thing Mom: I love you. Leave a comment if you like & please stop by anytime…

Some speedWay regulars may be in shock over what they’ve just read. Not about my mom or anything. But because of the bit about me going to Work!

I shit you not — happened just like I said.

What can I say? There’s a house to be torn down. And my friend wanted to pay me to help do it. So I did. Pulled nails out of boards mostly. Worked a full-on 3 hour day!

Call me Demolition Mike E.

Praise Sweet Mother Earth for the bucket-loads of rain that make it so I can’t work today!

At long last — a hard-earned break from the daily grind. I should celebrate!