Archive for the 'Bill Hicks' Category

Beautiful Buzz Mother Lode

We were
somewhere near
PLUTO when the drugs
Began to take
hold

Feelin fine x-tremely sharp
like we can ride the boogie
in Total Control

The Wookie poured Make-Believe from a jug on to her chest to facilitate the tanning process.

Just then a Uniform Dwark appeared

Squeegeed
my 3rd eye

And ther ya have it:
the Difference

between
Just gettin by
& doing it with a dollup of Style.

I can’t see through the hallucianations.” I squinted. Shielded my eyes with what appeared to be a bowl of petunias, attached to my wrist. I chuckled. Thought my hand might be there instead of the petunias? Silly me. Then remembered Hunter S. Thompson’s famous last words: There’s no such thing as hallucionations. Just the things more easily seen on, say mescaline.

The petunia bowl tried to shake my other hand hello. Have you ever seen bowl of petunias try to shake hands? Neither had Gonzo. Gonzo? Yeah. Gonzo from the Muppets. Freaked him right out and that is no small feat; Gonzo being no stranger to the rodeo.

He disbanded his self from my other wrist and departed nervously to phone for a space ship ride home.

Which freed up my freshly reappeared hand to put a lips-bound swing on a frosty cold Pabst Blue Ribbon can. The petunia bowl would not grasp the steering console cooperatively so I leaned back in the chair & piloted the space ship with one knee. When my can was emptied a PBR dwark hustled back with another. When I poured it over the Dwark’s head — to test his Loyalty — he profusely apologized. Then returned with not just a beer but also a dancing girl and a few Swiss Bank accounts. I instructed to dancing girl to wipe her ass with money.

“Hundred dollar bill?” She asked.

“This time,” I scratched my chin thoughtfully & did the math & decided. “Go on & make it a euro500.”

There are no such things as hallucinations.

Shroomz are awesome dudes!

I gave up trying to see. Eased my Day Off space ship into orbit around Tralfamadore. Turned to the passenger seat. Offered the Wookster a brew.

“You’ll need one.” I warned. “Drink up! It’s your turn to drive.”

I wanted to play cards.

You know what the only thing is on Earth that beats a good drug high? When you gamble & win. Each is a rush; a head to toe sink down glorious feeling. But when you win you get the rush plus a pile of cash. A glorious, glorious feeling!

Yeah. But how about when you gamble & win with a freshly drug skewered brain?

The beautiful buzz mother load.

Gear
Shift set for go
Go
GO!!

All In
on a stone bluff
just to watch
Sucka M C’z
FOLD.

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Dear Drugs: THANK YOU!! for a real good time..

Fact:

Without illegal drugs, my life, up till & including tonight, would have sucked toast. Way bogus. I mean bad; a total waste of time.

It would have all been so stupid!!

Shit yes. I have problems. My life has been hard. But when I’ve needed them drugs have been there for me. When I had nowhere else to turn it was drugs that saved the day.

Even when my life sucks directly because of drugs it still beats the sad crap out of how bad life would suck with no drugs at all. I will go so far as to say I feel certain I would’ve killed myself long ago if the drugs weren’t on my side.

Why? Because drugs gave me something to live for. A reason to stay awake for another day & night when the sun comes up each morning. Yeah & you know what?

Drugs give me Hope!

Mostly they’ve helped me celebrate life with people I love. I am going to die one day. When I do I’ll look back over this 1 & 3/4 decades-long drug binge and congratulate myself for a job smashingly well done. Yeppers kiddoz! My first hit of weed was the smartest choice I ever made. Until I finally got to check out some of that L$D!!

And when you go without food — due to smoldering abject poverty — for a day or few you will thank Adolph Hitler, Sweet Mother Earth and maybe even Jesus — that evil cocksucker — for all the amphetamines.

So thanks again drugs. Just sorry you had to wear off so soon. Ya’ll come back now y’hear!

Ok. Off to sleep.

NOT!!

Sugar Bombs TNT & Scooby Snacks

wile-e.jpg

Think I’ll wrap this lil’ Office of National Drug Control lambaste we’ve had here up by takin ya’ll Back.

How far back?

Way the fuck back.

I’m talking cartoons on Saturday morning. Wonder Twin powers. Sugar Bomb cereal & make-believe Scooby Snacks.

Back to the early 80’s Gateway Drug dayz.

Sugar is the Gateway Drug. In my case the Gateway to Ritalin. Next thing you knew I got a mailbox on my bumper & a stolen front tire. Traded those heapin bowls of imitation processed Sugar Bomb breakfast food-style substitute in for a for a real nice psychiatrist who prescribes me my Adderall.

So there I was one Saturday with a head full of sugar & animated TNT and suddenly the TV-add wanker squawks off about the evils of fried eggs.

DUDE!! But that’s like…I mean actual breakfast!

*Mike E says Say WHAT!?*

I could go on and on but think I’ll just let the TV-add douche eater squack for himself.

So here it is ~~~ Hang on to your Open Containers there kiddoz ~~~ The first shot fired in the War on Drugs. The cracked egg heard ’round the World! Let’s make some NOIZE people for your BRAIN-ON ->drugz!!!

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WHEW! Gives me a hankerin for a cold can of Mountain Dew.

Know what: I say bring back the Drug War!

Know why?

Cause it was hallucinated oodles more fun than the War On Terror and we were winning.

Wow. If I could convert blog-posts like this into their smokable form I could bag it up & sell ’em. This is the best fun I’ve ever had writing.

Thanks in no freaking small part to you folks down there on Planet Earth who hang around this crappy joint with me. Who incidentally are, by my good estimate, a handful of the best & most exciting up&coming writers in the Cosmos.

You kids are a genuine spectacle. And so good to me!

I just remembered something: why I ever stayed awake for so long to begin with. Wasn’t because I had nowhere to sleep. Nope — I plain didn’t fuckin Wanna! What if I missed something shazammin?

Dig: I like the Feeling!!

So I’m off with it. groove:On. Do me a favor ya’ll: drive fast Stay Strange & swing yourselfs loose with a chuckle.

ps To the Googler who wanted to know: do they check for shrooms in drug screen…  Nope. Hot damn! They sure don’t.

See ya on Pluto fellow traveller dude!