the Warning Shot

“You guys,” I asked. “What’s going to happen to all the people who live there when God flicks the entire state of New Hampshire off the face of the Earth like a booger?”

“Who gives a fuck??” Mommacake demanded. Mind you: this is the same Mommacake who gathered 50 friends into a circle at her 30th birthday party and sang us “You Are My Sunshine.” Solo. Just so we all knew she cared.

Mommacake does genuinely give a fuck. Just not about people from New Hampshire.

Can you blame her?

I leaned back into the cool early morning dirt and downed a fat swig of alien turd tea. Offered it around to the half-dozen friends who were still up with swerves still on from the previous night’s party. No takers: so I downed another. And popped a Dexadrine for good measure.

We sat on the bank of the river — the Connecticut — which forms the border between Vermont & New Hampshire.


That’s Vermont on the left, New Hampshire on the right. Brattleboro, where I live, is in the south-east corner of Vermont — so close to New Hampshire that we’re forced to look at that dumb lump of lousy bull every single day.

There’s a joke told in these parts:

Q. What’s the best thing about New Hampshire?

A. The view of Vermont.

I gazed across the river. But quickly covered my eyes & turned away; so blindingly did the mere sight offend me.

“I know, I know. I hate them to!” I assured Mommacake. “But…is it really their fault that they’re so stupid? I mean — we know that the southern part of their state is a polar ice cap flood plane. Why don’t they?”

“Because we’re smarter than they are!” Said Mommacake.

“And faster!” Someone said.

“Better looking!” Said someone else.

“YEAH — and we have more fun then they do!!”

Suddenly everyone eyed me with suspicion, there on the banks of the Connecticut River.

The whole New Hampshire thing is a running joke sort of deal we have around here. Like this one other morning. We were at a party on the 4th floor of a warehouse. When the sun came up we noticed that you could see New Hampshire; so Mommacake drew a middle finger sticking up at it with a sharpie marker on the window.

That kind of thing.


Besides the mentioned reasons — we’re smarter & better looking etc. — I’d say it’s because we’re bored. Maybe we’re trying to cheer ourselves up about the fact that it ain’t so great in Vermont, either. And it would be a gigantic improvment for us personally if New Hampshire was covered by seawater. That way the Connecticut River would be part of the Atlantic Ocean. And the riverbank we lounged on, all looped out of our skulls on drugs that summer morning, would be the Beach.

A very popular idea on our side of the river.

And god wants Vermont to have New Hampshire’s beach because we’re incontestably superior.

Not everyone agrees. Like right wing jerkoff Bill Oreilly from the Fox pretendaNews channel. He loathes us passionately. Hell we pissed him off — yet again — just this week.

It’s awesome when we do that dudes!!

“I feel sorry for Vermonters.” He said, after my hometown newspaper proposed in an editorial that George W. Bush was the worst president in American history. “They’re being held hostage by a bunch of extremists who put ideology over the safety of children and the good of their nation.”

Bill Oreilly is on New Hampshire’s side. He thinks the state “Gets it.” Says the people who live there are the “Stars of New England.”

Plus he kidnaps children and sells them to al-Queada for money to buy crack rocks. Yep — I know for a fact.

I’m Bill Oreilly’s crack dealer.

So obviously God made us Vermonters better than the New Hampshireites. But is that their fault? I’m just wondering…

“HEY!!” Mommacake shouted & roughed me up with her glare. “Whose side are you on, anyway?!”

She wore cut-off fatigue shorts with a wrap around belt. Doc Martin boots. And a tank-top that said Ass Grass or Gas in money-green glitter across the chest.

“Yo I’m on God’s side!” I swore. “But…I dunno. Maybe there’s some people over there worth saving?”

‘Dude.” She corrected me. “Those people are so dumb they teach their kids that babies come from Wal-Mart!”

It’s true. I was shoplifting at the Wal Mart just across the bridge in Hinsdale yesterday — and saw a New Hampshire youngster try to exchange himself for a PlayStation.

But he was a human being of sorts and I am a humanitarian.

“I think we should fire them a warning shot.” I insisted. “Yeah. It’s the right thing to do. They can take it or leave it — stay or go, don’t give a hoot — but they have a right to know.”

Mommacake’s eyes threw a spark.

“YEAH!” She exclaimed. Whistled & simmered with controlled combustion like a fresh-lit pyrotechnic fuse. I mean — should we??”

I looked in her eyes and saw she was laughing — silently, at the joke only she knows.

The rest of our early morning riverside party crew laughed helplessly out loud though we weren’t yet certain why.

Mommacake stood, hands on her hips, directly between the river & me. Stomped her foot twice and turned her back to the crowd. Her tattooed angel wings unfurled from beneath the tank top, spread over the width of her shoulders. The back of her shirt was emblazoned with the words: nobody rides for free!!

Then in one unreal motion she unloosed the wrap-around belt from her cut-off shorts. Shrugged her shoulders. Laughed wildly. Dropped her shorts half down to her knees. Bent over, swung out, wheeled round & wagged her freshly bared ass in a seismic Fuck Off to New Hampshire – and all the dumb shit it stands for.


Guts rupture.

Bodies hit dirt.

“Oh we hate them that fucking much!!” I gasped.

Then our early morning party crew choked gleefully near to death on hairball spasms of laughter.

Some time passed before we could breathe. When we could, finally, Mommacake rolled to her feet, shook her fist eastward & said:

“There’s your Warning Shot ASSHOLES!!!”


11 Responses to “the Warning Shot”

  1. 1 AuntJackie February 5, 2007 at 4:02 pm

    Popped in to check it out… Very interesting! I’m going to have to take some time and catch up on what you’ve been blogging. Thanks for stopping by mine and thanks once again for the add on MS.


  2. 2 Jay Logic February 5, 2007 at 10:28 pm

    ..”We have more fun then they do” Brilliant! I just laughed a piping hot Vanilla latte out of my nose, and all over my girlfriend’s computer monitor! a bang on exacta, An eagle on 18 to win the Lost Gonzo open, Adam Viniteri could not have split them more true, mate… I think you may dig where I’m headed here. Oh fuck! coffee is dripping onto her keyboard! gotta go… ~J

  3. 3 Mike E February 5, 2007 at 10:33 pm

    Whoa — Jay! You’re the first reader I’ve ever made snarf.

    I feel like I just hit the Big Time.

    Aunt Jackie: Take all the time you need — the speedWay never closes. Excellent to meet you…

  4. 4 Michael Witthaus February 5, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    You’ve obviously never been to Alabama, bubba. Makes NH look positively cerebral.

    But what is it they say about Brattleboro? Right – it’s where EMS hippies go to sleep … after they’ve shopped in Keene.

    All good natured, of course. Loved your “2 dead Beatles” comment. Couldn’t be more true. Sir Paul’s gonna have to pay for that divorce settlement somehow, and Ringo? Ringo’s a ho, baby.

  5. 5 Mike E February 5, 2007 at 11:25 pm

    Oh I been to ol’ Bammy! Got stuck between Grateful Dead concerts for a few weeks in Auburn — but I wouldn’t bother to make fun of ’em the same as we do to ya’ll.

    Maybe because of the cerebral thing. Because it’s true that lots of people from New Hampshire aren’t THAT dumb — which is why I don’t get why ya’ll live there!

    Ooh. Did I just say that to a first-time speedWay reader?

    And I’ll have you know: we don’t need to go all the way to Keene to shop, umk? We got a whole entire Wal Mart right across the bridge in Hinsdale…

    Alrighty then. Think I’ll quit while I’ve still made a new friend.

    Speaking of EMS — this Brattleboro Hippy is off to hunt down some Emergency Marijuana Smoke!

    Stop by any time & remenber: this speedWay never closes…

  6. 6 MG Fulltank February 8, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    MG Me!!

    Do it for Jesus

  7. 7 jayherron February 11, 2007 at 9:29 am

    hey….just heard on our local NPR station that a couple of dudes from New Hampshire got caught stealing urine samples from a pee test clinic…hahaha,thats classic!
    Great story man!

  8. 8 Emma, finally March 10, 2007 at 11:43 pm

    Dude!!! Any state that has “Live Free or Die” as its motto has to have sumpin’ wrong… I mean that’s like so… liberal, or something. Too good to be true, perhaps?

  9. 9 confused reader July 13, 2007 at 8:57 pm

    whoever wrote this needs to see a therapist, and thats all i have to say about that.

  10. 10 Mike E July 13, 2007 at 11:30 pm

    Therapy? Yes. In fact I quite likely need to be Institutionalized — if not euthanized outright.

    But human euthanasia is illegal in most states, and I can’t afford the funny farm. So where does that leave me? Jail is a good possibility. For either a botched euthanasia attempt or for the crime of being uninsured while Mental.

    What can a poor boy do?

    Try to laugh it off I suppose — and try to Act Normal in public places.

  1. 1 Kiss Of Death?? « open container speedWay Trackback on January 9, 2008 at 12:07 am

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