Healthy Competition

A couple of my blog-peeps have written quality shit about sin this holiday season. One, Galloway, confessed his to God. The other — Gonzo compadre FatSavage — cavorted with the devil to measure his own capacity for wrongdoing.

In the midst of a human species bent on self-extermination — with all that’s cruelly fucked in the world today — ain’t it sweet when you get a good bit of news?

All FatSavage sin systems: Go!

The man is spectacularly derelict enough to fit right in with the rest of you speedWay hoodlums. Dig:

Pride is excessive belief in one’s own abilities. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity. Hell I got that knocked. You can’t even want to be a gonzo writer without pride.

is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires. I did not get to be the Fat Savage by missing this sin.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body. Anyone who read my first blog knows I am a world class sex maniac who learned to fuck from every conceivable positions so I could keep on fucking up to a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 40. When I got To Too Fat To Fuck, I invented the Fat Savage Diet so I could get back in shape to fuck some more.

May I suggest Dextroamphetamine?


Frikkin-a yes: mix some drugs in your sin blender!

If I’ve said it once I swear I said it a thousand times: If you can’t be a self sacrificing aesthetic saint, you may as well be a perfect sinner. If you’re gonna burn in hell for eternity for one sin, you may as well burn for repeated occurrences of all of them.

Galloway quit drugs a while back. Now he does other things for fun.


“Forgive me Father,’ He begs, ‘For I have sinned.

I have cheated those to whom I owe tax and over-taxed those who owe tax to me;

I have pan-handled and swindled and hustled and wasted the fruits of my endeavours;

I have been unfaithful to my wife and blinded my eyes to her infidelities;

I have entertained wicked thoughts regarding my animals and have occasionally kicked the cat (affectionately);

I have no visible means of support and yet remain solvent in an arrogantly upright and wickedly handsome manner;

I disrespect my natural talents and stubbornly refuse to exploit them and…

last night I viewed an illegal copy of Borat ,that I didn’t even pay for, and fell asleep.”

By morning Galloway was bored with Him. So he told God to blow it out his ass & ducked off for the pub. Spipped a large breakfast Irish. Got bored again. Blew half the barkeep’s face off with a Kill-o-Zap blaster when the barkeep incorrectly assumed Galloway was in the mood to pay for his beers.

Then left the Kill-o-Zap blaster on the bar & disappeared behind a twist in the wallpaper.

Well then. Smoke a fat hit of crack & diddle the virgin mary — those are some pretty good sins! Classy & rude & proud for it; you both set a fine example for Youth.

Begs a Question: one that needs help from my readers — foremost experts on the matter — to answer.

Whose sins are better?


7 Responses to “Healthy Competition”

  1. 1 fatsavage December 27, 2006 at 11:01 am

    Mike E. You ghave inspired mer to write more on sin at a later date..Meanwhile I Had to learn to like Christmas. Why? The advent calender was a countdown to an anticlimatic experience. I grew up as Japan was being retooled and taught how to make toy cars from beer cans. There less than perfect efforts were stamped with the city of orgin i.e. Made in USA whichy was the actual name of the city. After waiting 25 days of the advent calander, the crap fell apart for the new year. My birtday was in January after the bills came due so I never got anything for that either. The advent calender was invenbted by monks who hated poor kids and used to torment them.

    I’m not sure if your chicken or egg thing with ADHD is correct. Before it was commen I was kicked out of school in 4th, 7th, 9th and 11th grades and lasted 29 days in college before getting kicked out. My standard test scores placed my IQ betwwen 90 and 150 depending on whether I liked the teacher. Society had to invent something to drug people like me into normalicy. Sound familiar?

  2. 2 DEXterity December 27, 2006 at 11:08 am

    I Am Very Impressed Mikey… Between Meal Eating Is An Epidemic Poor Momma Is Tired And I Am No Longer Psychotic… Dexedrine Is A Miracle Fuck Adderall And Ritalin And The New Desoxyn… Ovation Labs They Fucking Suck The Abbott Labs 15 Mg Gradumets Were The Shit… Now I May Lose My Glaxo Smith Kline 5 Mg Tabs The Orange Shields… Ugh To Dextrostat… Shire Is The Antichrist First Adderall Which Was Obetrol But Obetrol Was Better And Dextrostat 10 Mg Isn’t Close To The 5mg Dexedrine Tabs And Now There’s Lisdexamfetamine Which They Will Attempt To Run Out The Spansule… I Am Hyperactive Not Fat I Don’t Give A Rat’s Ass How Many People In The 70’s Got Hooked On It These Weak-ass New Age XR Generation Amphetamines Are Not The Classics… death To Shire Labs Stop Watering Down Good Quality Amphetamines…

  3. 3 Mike E December 27, 2006 at 11:29 am

    Sounds like you were too cool for school.

    Comes as no surprise.

    Huh. Well…I feel a FatSavage-catalyzed ADD blog post coming on like a funky-pounce time bomb. Ticking.

    So I’ll save my thoughts for it…

    But I think we essentially agree. I also think that, given your curiosity about ADD, you may want to study up a bit on Dexedrine.

    And that is valid medical advice from a Doctor of Make-Believe.

  4. 4 DEXterity December 27, 2006 at 3:39 pm

    it was in the heart of the “ritalin boom”… and by 3 and a half… i had learned to read and write and had a full vocabulary and was too much energy for my lazy heavyset closet lesbian mother and I was crazy because i was hyperactive and oppositional and ritalin is what essentially what had actively “raised” me so the psychiatric “modified amphetamine dependence” or Adult ADD phenomena was sort of forced earlier in my life i.e. the reluctance to take time release and being a kid and either getting restrained or eating yogurt or pudding with the opened up spansules as a kid…

  5. 5 DEXterity December 27, 2006 at 3:57 pm

    they were testing it as a diet drug when the children who were hyper got the dexedrine by accident and it calmed them down. It was called minimal brain dysfunction and it was exclusive to a profile and is genetic from my biological father’s side and i never met him but from what i know only a few were medicated and they have traits that i have like ‘tactile defensiveness’ which is sensitivity to sound, sunlight, tags on clothes etc. I have an abnormal level of energy for my age too. i can only describe it as an overall lack of being able to know when to start and stop as a whole

  6. 6 DEXterity December 27, 2006 at 4:09 pm

    i essentially got away with murder in school because i got straight a’s and they figured that i was just as smart hyper as a kid i scored a 158 on the iq test but i was a pyro at age four and a klepto at 5 so the demon child label was of some accuracy. But medication alone is not a cure.

  7. 7 galloway December 29, 2006 at 8:17 pm

    It gets better. The barkeep is carted off to hospital and his shift taken over by the sultry Mishka, a toothsome Polish beauty who’s been totally in love with me since the time I rescued her from a predatory cockroach. And then my friend James (works at the airport) arrives with a bag of charlie (don’t know who I was praying to but he comes up good-style) and a trio of Jewish jazz fiddlers who’ve been grounded due to the fog and we have a great lunch, take pot-shots at Christians with the kill-o-Zap blaster, sing some Irish rebel songs and crash out behind my favourite wallpaper twist. New-year’s day I go to confession…

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