Ever tell you about the time I stole a Cadillac convertible and drove it into a swimming pool? It was like, so COOL!! We were walking down the street. Actually, we were driving. Yeah. It was 4AM in my small hometown. Me & my buddy MG Tank. And the gigantic disco ball we just took out for a spin.

We had to borrow a car — I forget whose — to fetch it. The car’s owner balked, I recall, over the late hour and our jubilantly illegal eyeball-spazz.

We already had one disco ball — a small one, which I’d been twirling on one finger like a basketball, for hours, ever since I’d taken my ADD medication. But this other one was the size of a souped-up hot rod engine.

‘I mean it’s a really big fucker!’ I promised the dude with the car.

‘No shit?’ A bell went off in car-guy’s mind. ‘Must be like a total Chick Magnet.’

‘Electro-magnet,’ MG Tank expounded, ‘More like a babe tractor beam.’

Dude tossed over his keys. ‘Hey THANKS, guys,’ He gushed profusely, ‘For hooking me up like this. Really!’

Deal Done. All we needed was a carton of eggs, to hurl at random Sober People on their way to jobs in the morning.

Yeah — like, have a nice day at work ASSHOLES!

Right. But it was still too early for that. I remember my buddy said something like, ‘4AM and not a soul on the road. Just us & the Cops.’ He hit the scan button on the radio.
[play: special effects!]
Headlights glared creepily from a side street. I burnt my fingers trying to spark a roach. A cop pulled out behind us; we deftly rounded the corner. The radio-dial numbers landed on the local Classic Shits station, but no music played. The between-song silence, common on pre-taped, late night FM broadcasts, swirled exhaltedly and settled into an expectant hush.

The opening notes to the Grateful Dead’s Shakedown Street belted from the speakers. Halfway down a side-street, an exaust cloud spewed from beneath a Cadillac convertible, parked clumsily across the sidewalk. Top pulled down, despite the frigid midwinter bite. Steam rose from the interior; a sign of seat-heaters cranked over-max.

Don’t tell me this Town Ain’t Got No Heart!

‘It’s a Thing of Beauty.’ I proclaimed. My eyes widened with raw delight.

‘Dude,’MG Tank concurred, as fate swept us inevitably On, ‘This car SUCKS!’

I agreed. ‘I can’t believe that rude fuck made us borrow the thing…’

I hopped onto the street, disco-ball still spinning, and kicked a disdainful dent into the side-door of Car-Guy’s Ford Escort; MG Tank knealt to one knee and kissed a white-walled Cadillac tire; we looked around for that cop…

…The Sunny Side of the Street Is Dark

[to be continued]


3 Responses to “CADDYsplash”

  1. 1 galloway June 22, 2006 at 7:42 pm

    Like it.

    You should live in the UK, though – there are no cops.

    Listen, I worked your response to the This Post Is Not About Football routine into another post, giving OCS a plug, of course.

    Hope that’s cool.



  2. 2 jay November 13, 2006 at 11:26 pm

    When I was a kid in the 7th grade-me and a buddy were walking around the hills where we lived…it was late at night but times were people did’nt care. There was this car a dude was redoing-it was all gutted,no motor or tranny-just cinder blocks holden that bitch steady. This was up in the mountains in WVA. Me and my pal thought we could move them blocks and hop in and take a ride-except the car was faster than we wuz-so down the hill she rolled. Gawd you should have seen her as she plowed thru the hobby shop at the bottom of the hill. We could never tell any one-shit they’d all hate us…we tore up the only hobby shop there was. Great story-the big balls…and the guy mafde you borrow the caddy!!

  1. 1 Open Container speedWay » Blog Archive » Freaking Mindblower friends Trackback on July 19, 2006 at 1:16 am

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