Save the Polar Bears!!

I like to drink & drive. Moreover, I advocate it staunchly. Drinking & driving, YEAH — fuckin woo-Hoo!

I don’t mean driving home paralytic drunk from the Bar — which in fact is dangerous & dumb. But that’s no reason to forgoe the sublime enjoyment of an alcoholic beverage, while you cruise.

Drive drunk = Bad. Drive with drink = Splendidly Cool.

We have Back Roads, here in Vermont; long, unpaved stretches that roll, dip & wind through our bucolic countryside. The best thing about back roads: police don’t patrol them. I think because God himself puts up some kind of invisible cop-fence, so the honest citizenry has a place to drive with our drinks in Peace.

Music has always been a matter of energy to me, a question of Fuel. Sentimental people call it Inspiration, but what they really mean is Fuel.

I have always needed fuel. I am a serious consumer. On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.

–Hunter S. Thompson

Thanks to Anita over at Owl Farm Blog, for dishing out snappy quotes like that, to grease the Gonzo wheels.

I agree, with the Loud Music theorem. Further still, though, goes the car steered skillfully with one knee, while the driver uses a cigarette lighter to pop the tops off 3 cold brews — one for him & another each for his buddies in the back & passenger seats.

Indeed. By my good estimate, a six-packed downed in a moving vehicle is as good, MPG-wise, as a gallon of gas in the tank.

In these days of Pain At The Pump, who can afford to not drink and drive? And with the threat of Global Warming looming so ominously, well…in the time it took me to write this post, a Polar Bear drowned in the Arctic Circle. Because of the ice-pack melting. Now folks, if we can save these majestic creatures, by drinking beer instead of burning fossil-fuel — don’t we owe them that much, at least?

The bears would do it for you!


2 Responses to “Save the Polar Bears!!”

  1. 1 MG TANK June 21, 2006 at 8:34 pm

    I’m familiar with the correlation between drowning polar bears and the MG’s per gallon quotient. Every year, on the first warm Spring day that occurs following our lengthy Vermont winter, is the opening day of the open container racing circuit. The Ames Hill500 usually happens about the third week of March. The rules are simple.You grab a six pack of Mud Bock Spring Ale, pop the top off with your seatbelt(safety first), and go because the light just turned green.And with global warming melting the ice packed domain of the polar bear disappearing rapidly these poor critters need somewhere to go. So I’ve hired 50 of them to work on the speedway, you know, doing maintenance and shit. Another 15 of them work the concession stand. What that translates to in laymans terms is that global warming equals jobs for drunken, homeless polar bears

  2. 2 Mike E June 21, 2006 at 8:56 pm

    Yeah — thanks for the Bears, Mr. Tank…or, should I call you MG?

    How bout this: when I want to get Tanked I’ll call you for the MG’z!

    Looky here, pal — your damn bears just ate an entire village of Alien Munchkins for lunch. So now the rest of the colony is on strike. They haven’t shit for a week.

    And unless Alien Munchkins squeeze loaves, I don’t get Paid! Because one sure way to piss your Custies off is to hand them plain, pee-warm water in a mug. And charge them for a cup of Alien Turd Tea!

    That’s my dilemna. See?

    Bear’s gotta eat, I dig this. how bout we turn ’em loose on the 14% of Americans who still think Bush is a Swell President — I hear Polar Bear’s think them fuckers be TASTY!!

    Hey — who the hell hired YOU, anyway?

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