Write it & Weep

I feel flat & uninspired. And I think I’m stuck with feeling this way, until I somehow address the thing that so flatly uninspires me.

But I don’t want to. And you probably don’t want to read about it. If you want to skip along to the next post, feel free.

I am 35 years old. Tonight I ate pizza. It was good. Thanks, Mom — for sending me $100 bucks on the Western Union, so I could eat. I mean that. Thank you, really.

It sags my self-esteem, that I can only afford to feed myself when my mom sends me money. Though it beats being hungry. I’m lucky, too. Not everyone’s mother buys them pizza. It’s a topsy turvey world.

I don’t know how to best go on with this. I don’t want to write it AT all. But I can’t stop. Some things will kill you if they go left unsaid.

I was raped. As a child. By adult men — my own flesh & blood.

The consequences manifest physically. Like being homeless, and not able to eat, unless my mom buys me pizza. I have no life-skills. For a 35 year-old, able-bodied American man, that’s shameful. It means that, indeed, there is something Wrong with me.

It means I’m all fucked up mentally. And that humiliates & terrifies me.

Have you ever had a dream where your teeth were falling out? Maybe you remember how it feels; to dread facing the world, the next day, so inexplicably & rudely disfigured! But you soon awaken, almost willfully, with a few quick sighs of relief.

It was only a bad dream.

That’s how I feel, from being molested. Except that when I wake up, I’m filled with horror as I realize the bad dream is real.

Raw horror.

People kill themselves over this shit. Sometimes I wish I was dead. Not tonight. Tonight I just wish it was easier.


2 Responses to “Write it & Weep”

  1. 1 absintheve August 5, 2006 at 4:49 am

    me too boo…
    me too.

  2. 2 Mike E August 5, 2006 at 3:59 pm

    nice to hear from you…

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