I ran into a snag at the bank the other day.
Actually the snag began in my wallet. There wasn’t enough money there. Actually there was none. Therein lay the Snag. But it quickly devolved into a systemic snag that threatened the existence of my entire personal banking system.
Trouble was: Rent. I mentioned a couple posts back that after I paid rent this month I would have no money for food. That was true. People who know me well know that when I say “I’m broke” well – I’m not fucking around. Broke to me does not mean I have only such-&-such small amount of cash laying about.
When I say I’m Broke it means that my ass is so broke it’s about to fall off.
That’s how it was after I paid rent last week. Now. My housemate/landlord is a cool enough cat; I could have shorted him $25 on the rent & paid it next week. But rent paid on time – longtime readers surely understand – is a matter of prickly importance to me. I don’t want to ask if I can be $25 short on the rent. I want to pay my rent In Full within days of when it’s due – and that’s that.
And that left me inadvertently short on the Basics. I had a grand total of $2 dollars in the bank. I needed $5 to ride the Metro; incontestably needed to get from Here to There and the charge was $5. I had $2. So I ran my debit card through the machine at the Metro station & VOILA!! The transaction was approved.
Well now. I thought to myself. If they’ll let me overdraw my checking account to buy a Metro ticket – if they’re into that kind of thing – well the fact was I was also short the $7 I needed for a pack of smokes. And come to think of it I was pretty hungry.
I went to 7-11 & bought smokes. Transaction Approved. Sandwich shop? Transaction Approved. It wasn’t exactly a Spending Spree. I dropped $26 bucks of money I did not have – money I knew for a fact did not have. A deliberate act to be sure. But I needed stuff I couldn’t afford & Bank of America let me buy it.
$26 grand total worth of Durable Goods.
Couple days later I looked online to check my account balance. Those $26 worth of purchases blossomed into a bank account that was suddenly $200 overdrawn. $200!! A $35 dollar fee was levied on each of the 3 overdrafts. Plus some random $10 dollar bullshit for a number of failed attempts by the bank to cover the overdrafts from my empty savings account. Does that even add up to $200? Bank of America says so. And as far as they are concerned that’s final.
I’d need to cough up the $200 to keep my bank account in good standing.
Begged the question: Why Bother?
My instinct was to go ahead & close my Bank Of America account & open another one at a different bank that would start me off with a zero balance. Why not?
Far as I was concerned I did not owe Bank Of America a damn thing. For what? Overdraft fees? Give me a fucking break.
Bank Of America recently bought Merrill Lynch. Fair enough. Banks buy each other. Trouble with that deal was that Bank Of America could not afford to buy Merrill Lynch. They did not have enough money in the bank.
They fucked up.
So…did Bank Of America get charged some gargantuan Overdraft Fee for initiating a transaction their ledger couldn’t cover?
Oh no.
When Bank Of America overdrew their account they were not penalized but instead rewarded with a $45 billion handout of taxpayer – and I now have a job so that is my – money. Well. Dontcha think I plain obviously needed a little Bailout cash when I was too broke to buy a subway ride, a pack of smokes & some food? Maybe from Bank Of America even – hell I would have gladly paid a few pennies in interest — all in the spirit of thawing the credit markets & getting the world’s economy moving again.
But no.
I held on to my uncashed paycheck for a few days trying to decide what to do. On the one hand I felt no moral obligation to cover my electronic debt with Bank Of America. I wished more than once in fact that I’d bought a carton of cigarettes & maybe a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon while I was at it. Why not? You don’t want to just burn a major financial institution – you wanna burn them with a little bit of Style.
On the other hand: Until very recently I had never paid a bill in my life. And there were times when that hurt me. For example: I could be a triple PhD by now were it not for the fact that I defaulted on my student loan back in 1994. Until it is paid I can not go to college; a waste of my considerable talents.
I wrestled with these quandaries. In the end though my decision was based on pure laziness; I did not care to bother with the rigmarole of opening a new bank account. It was easier — though it offended all my best instincts — to just go on & deposit my $350 paycheck & take the $200 bite.
And exact my revenge right here on this blog, for all the world to see – by telling Bank Of America to fuck off.
Yo Bank Of America: Fuck Off!
Yeah. That oughta learn ‘em!
Shopping at Safeway-no money to spend:
Push the cart around and be sure to fill it up…and-make sure you add fresh cooked food from the deli….nibble on that as you walk about and when the meal is done-crash the front door and haul ass across the parking lot. Be sure to leave the now filled cart,with remenants of baked chicken bones-and,while you are in the card section-grab a card and carry it around to the stationary section,use a pen to write an apology with a promise to pay.
It’s possible to grab a few beers-or some wine…drinking them as you devour the baked hen…but drinking is more obvious than nibbles,so-the chicken idea is safer….that is why they call it SafeWay. DO NOT try this at Giant Food Stores-there is also a reason why they call it GIANT.
Sorry to know times are being rough on you young brother!
well..shit. It’s been worse, know what I’m sayin? I mean, a $350 paycheck, w/a $200 debt — that I had the option to not pay — that ain’t so bad considering.
Another fun grocery store trick: Go in with a backpack, stick the backpack in your shopping cart. Fill the backpack up with food. Put a can of soda & a 99 cent loaf of bread in the cart. Put your backpack on. Take your soda & bread — still in the cart — to the register. Pay. Exit.
Oh, and probably…don’t try THAT at Giant either.
Mike E- Glad to see you back on the weird wide web just had to deal with the same bank bull myself except they charged the overdraft fees on a mere 37 cent over charge for a grand total of seventy dollars 37 cents. But a word to the wise if you call the customer service at bank of America and give them a good enough sob story and demand they remove the charges, often (if you are lucky enough to get a human on the other end of the phone) they will. Ive done it more times than I can remember. So good luck and keep the faith.
re:Sob Story w/Bank Of America custie service — been there, done that..unfortunately they are much less sympathetic to Repeat Offenders…thanks for the tip though!
ps DD — always pleasantly surprised to hear you’re alive, kid. Stay in touch
I have Bank of America n they’ve given me back many fees. But, I can’t get anymore refunded now even if I was only $1 short, I’ll be charged a $32 fee n they don’t feel sorry for me anymore. The banks are in trouble these days, so its harder getting them to return any money for fees. It sucks!