Email to the NY Times Public Editor

Dear Mr. Hoyt,

Thank you for considering my One Stinking Dollar piece for publication in the Times Magazine. I’m thrilled. And a bit impressed — I think justifiably — with myself.

I mean the New York Times Magazine?? Very glossy.

It occurs to me that your interest in my work could open doors for me, as a working writer, even if I don’t make the Magazine’s final cut. For example, I very much want to spend time in New Orleans in the near future to put together an article — I’m not sure for whom: any ideas? — on the unique plight of the homeless in that city. I’ve also considered forwarding One Stinking Dollar to the Valley Advocate — our local left-leaning free weekly (western Massachusetts’ somewhat muted answer to the Voice) — for whom the article was originally intended. Let them know, in hopes of piquing their interest, that the piece is on your desk as we speak.

Not that I want to deprive you of the story. The NY Times Magazine has dibs — and if you choose to run it I’ll be tremendously pleased. Still, I have plainly urgent needs of my own to consider. I must pay some rent. I’ve been homeless for 3+ years. I take a hard look at myself every single day and try to figure out how to improve my oft-desperate situation. How will I get a place to live? The only seemingly viable solution I’ve ever been able to concoct is to write my way out of this thing.

So your consideration of One Stinking Dollar for the Magazine is splendidly good news! I feel validated & relieved. Alas, high as it makes me feel, your interest in my stuff does not address my overwhelmingly immediate needs. I must sell a story so I can get a place to call home and make my life human again. It is such an incontestable priority that — if the Advocate wants to buy One Stinking Dollar — I will have no choice.

That said, I obviously don’t want to spurn you & the NY Times Magazine. Should I go the Advocate route, I will happily offer up another submission for the “Lives We Lived” edition. My years spent homeless have been, if nothing else, a colorfully storied affair. So I surely can produce some different material that may fit the Magazine’s needs.

On the other hand, there are plenty of other aspects to the homeless predicament that I could cover for the Advocate as well. Given the choice I’ll mightily prefer to write other stuff for them and leave One Stinking Dollar on your desk — where I happen to think it richly deserves to be.

But in order to do that — there’s no way to mince these words — I need money.

All things considered my by-far best case scenario is for the Magazine to pay something up front to retain rights to One Stinking Dollar. Am I out of line for asking? I’ve no way to know since I’ve never negotiated with a potential publisher before. But it seems to me that if you’re leaning toward printing the thing then buying the rights may be the best case scenario for you guys as well.

Well that’s all for now. I thank you dearly for your time — and for the sublime personal lift this whole scenario has given me.

Best Wishes,
Mike E

Cc: Valley Advocate

Got To Have A Code.

We all got one.

We must; it is compulsory.

Question is what’s ours? Yours? Mine?

You can trust someone when we know their code. Even if their code, by our best estimate, is dumb-fart wrong. When we know someone’s code we’ll know how they act. Even when we don’t like it — especially when we don’t like it — we best see it coming. When we know one’s code we can gauge their moves. Even if we’ll never for the life of us know what the fuck they be thinking.

Helps hugely to see It coming.

When I know my own code I don’t always know what I’ll do next — but I always know Why.

Knowing my own code helps incalculably.

My code is who I am at best. Our code is the highest ideal. Truth. Hunter S. Thompson once said: “There’s no such thing as hallucinations; only things more likely seen when you’re tripping.”

Actually I said that — in the epitaph I wrote for the good doctor. Which ran as a Letter to the Editor in my local daily. I said Hunter S. Thompson said that.

Final Wisdom: I claimed he poetically waxed right before he died. There’s no such thing as hallucinations…

Because it gives the quote better fireworks Action — the ooh ah shit that sells — when people think Hunter S. Thompson said it moments before he shot himself in the head.

All good writers are word thieves. But the best writers steal something better than words; something no one else has yet stolen. Something most writers much want, but will never even, think to steal. I for one am a roller coaster thief.

Better still: I’m Mike E motherfuckers!

Got an open container of make believe.

Make believe makes life better. I live to make life better. I make my life better when I believe unshakably in me.

I don’t know what my code is off the top of my head. Got a bitchin’ Motto though:

Better Living Through Make Believe.

email to my new agent

1.25.2008

Heyo.

Um…that’s not bad news. You can relax. I’m smiling — a big ol’ shit Drug Eating Grin — about this as we speak.

When Hunter S. Thompson finished his masterwork, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, he was plumb giddy with what he knew was an extreme accomplishment. “I’m high as a pigeon.” He wrote to a friend. Oh shit yes! High as a frikkin pigeon.

That’s when it’s awesome dudes.

I got jabbed in the gut, just now, by a fast Woo-Hoo flash of that Pigeon High plumb giddy thing; it’s a glorious feeling.

Hey Satan! Paid my dues.
Playin’ in a rockin’ band
Hey MAMA! Look at me:
I’m on my way to the Promised Land!!

My friend: thank you.

Upset? Me? Fuck nope! I was upset, old flame, when you nosed through my personal Journal lo those many years ago. Because you read what I wrote about the time I inadvertently slept with your best friend. And I then had to Deal With It — and I didn’t want to. Of course the only solid defense I could mount on my own behalf, that silly day, was a “Foul!” cry because you read about it while you snooped uninvited through my journal. So yeah. I couldn’t help but feel a bit intruded upon. I had to!

In retrospect it kinda makes me chuckle.

Quite funny.

Don’t ya think?

If you’re worried, as it seems, that I’ll feel similarly intruded upon over this thing — fret not!

That said, I am compelled to respectfully request that you not send any high school era journals you may have ah, borrowed from me, way back when, off to be published unbidden!

K?

Onward:

The fact — a fact I’m well aware of — is that I direly need an agent. I absolutely need help with the wherewithal of the marketing angle. So I could harp a bit on the fact that you didn’t ask me first — if you had I would have said “certainly yes!” — but why bother?

You’ve done a tremendously good turn by me.

If we’d agreed to this beforehand I likely would have fiddled with the piece a bit, tried to make it better before you sent it out. Maybe I could have improved it, maybe not. But whatever improvements I made would be promptly undone by the magazine’s final-cut editor before (if) they ever printed the thing. Yeah — I know that routine. I can’t even get a letter to the editor in Brattleboro’s po dunk daily printed without a botch job run on it by the editor. So it really doesn’t matter does it?

What counts is that you say they’re considering my story for publication. They really are? I am astonished.

For real? So it seems. I mean why else would they write you back, months later, to ask for an end-of-article Blurb about me? This is genuine. Huge. GIGANTIC. The New York Times Magazine?!

Even if they never print the thing, shit — they noticed it. They’re genuinely interested. This is the NYT Sunday Magazine we’re talking about; that is no small feat.

I have to compliment you on your good eye in picking out the one piece, out of everything on that blog, that I want to see printed somewhere like the New York Times Magazine. I’m pretty insecure about most of my stuff. But I wrote One Stinking Dollar to be published and I want 10,000 people to read it. So thanks.

As far as the blurb goes…I dunno. What do you think? You’re now my new agent afterall so I value your opinion. Maybe something like: Mike E spent the money he earned from the sale of this article on some rent. He now works gainfully as a freelance writer; studies Math & Economics on the side; spends much of his discretionary income betting on fast racehorses; and hopes one day to enroll in the Entrepreneurial Studies MBA program at Columbia University. Or some such thing?

Also if you can find me any other work…please! I’d prefer to churn out something fresh. I want an Assignment. So if you see anything around that pays say $100-plus which you think is up my alley — let me know pronto, dig?

Soon as we get some dough to roll in I will gleefully pay you the standard agency fee.

I gotta fly — my friend Superstar Brown just got back from Africa and he’s having a dinner party.

Righto.

Yippeee!

A thousand Thanks.

Your Friend,
Mike E

More Bad News For America

George W. Bush now has an economic stimulus plan.

For years I have wondered what exactly Bush & Dick Cheney’s problem is. I finally figured it out. They want to scrape America off the face of the Earth like dog shit from their shoe. Because George Bush & Dick Cheney are America’s enemy.

I’m not sure whose, if anyone’s, side they actually are on. I only know that they want to drive our nation into the ground.

For proof I offer their freshly unveiled economic stimulus plan — which the Democrat-led congress eagerly approved just this afternoon. The plan is to put $600 dollars, doled out as a tax rebate, into the pockets of 106 million Americans. Who will theoretically treat this unexpected boon as discretionary income — to be spent wildly on Stuff. And thus effectively jump start our consumer-driven economy. Checks will be cut by the summer.

For transparency’s sake I submit that I, a perpetually unemployed non taxpayer, do not stand to gain a dime from this ill conceived scheme. So maybe I’m biased against it. And in the further interest of full disclosure I admit that, were I a tax rebate recipient, I would accept the check & spend it gleefully — America be damned.

Still, Bush’s stimulus plan is unequivocally bad for the economy.

Look: the notion of a Tax Rebate inherently suggests that there is a pile of loose money laying around for us to rebate people’s taxes from. There obviously isn’t. We are going to borrow the money from China. Like we always do.

Let’s take it for granted that Bush & Cheney do not intend to repay their debt to China. Beijing may as well use all those US treasury certificates they’ve bought to wipe dog shit from their shoes. Now if the $260 billion in treasury notes we’ve sold to China are worthless scraps of crap wipe, one asks:

What is a US hundred dollar bill worth?

Less each day — as evidenced by the Dollar’s precarious tumble in the global market.

That tumble is at the heart of our economic woes. The value of the dollar goes down. Prices go up. Because America pays for barrels of Saudi oil with that devalued currency.

Dollar goes down. Prices go up.

So why not just print off a bunch of extra hundred dollar bills and give them out to American families to help them cover the costs of Inflation?

That would be like giving me a few hundred extra speed pills to compensate for the out-of-control tolerance my body has built up due to over-use of prescription amphetamines. A grand plan! Congress should enact it immediately.

But will it work?

Well…it’ll keep my personal train wreck rolling speedily for a few extra days — and that’s good enough for me. But is it good for the Country?

Not if the goal is to rein in my tolerance and make it so the prescribed dosage works like it did when I first popped one of those pills back in 1999. Still — though again I may be biased — I think the “give Mike E more speed” plan will work better than Bush’s “economic stimulus” plan. Which amounts to nothing more than printing up more currency to cover the costs of inflation. The net effect will be to further deflate the dollar’s value. And drive up the cost of living.

Elementary economics.

The Mike E Kiss Of Death

5 days ago I wrote a post predicting that John Edwards — whom I have supported since 2003 — would win the Iowa caucus. He had every chance to win. Edwards essentially never stopped campaigning in Iowa since his surprise 2nd place showing there in 2004. He had a tremendous amount of goodwill from Iowa’s voters. And he had momentum; he was rising steadily in every poll taken right up until caucus night. Plus he is the best candidate — but that’s a different story.

This is the story about what happens when I write a blog post in support of a particular candidate.

Sorry, Mr. Obama.

Look: Before Iowa I had no interest in Barack Obama as a candidate. But his victory speech — and the overwhelming number of young voters who delivered him to victory — won me over. I was swept up in the moment. I was excited. I was for Obama all the way.

I turned on CNN tonight a few minutes after the polls closed to watch my new favorite candidate win.

The Associated Press just declared Hillary Clinton the New Hampshire victor.

I hate politics. Because my candidates always lose. And I hate to lose — even more than I hate politics. But most of all I hate the dumb chump state of New Hampshire!

On the other hand…there is one thing I love more than those three things I hate put together — and now we’ve got one.

I love a good race.

See you in Vegas baby.

Iowa Recap

The said it was a “soaring” speech. And I’ve got to admit that Barack Obama’s victory speech was pretty good. In fact after his performance last night Obama will be mightily hard to beat.

I’m not quite sure what John Edwards is thinking by staying in the race. Iowa was a Must-Win state for him & he lost fair & square. Now, his wife is visibly ill with breast cancer. He is a multi millionaire who thus remains, despite his loss, in a position to effect a world of good upon those same causes he hoped to champion as president. Even if he still has a slight chance to win it seems like the classy thing to do now is go home.

Barack Obama is Hillary Clinton’s problem now. And she has a problem. What can she do: attack him? After his speech last night that would be like attacking Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

It was a pretty good speech.

His victory itself is genuinely remarkable. Much ado has been made by the pundits about the fact that he won in a state that is 99% white. That’s pretty good. But to me not stunning. I am offended by the notion that America is somehow “not ready” for a black — or a woman — president. We are not a nation of racist scoundrel. That said, clearly there are hurdles faced by a woman or person of color who wants to be president. And last night Barack Obama cleared one of those hurdles with style.

What truly blows me away about Obama’s win is not that a bunch of white people voted for him. It is the fact that he somehow managed to convince young, first-time caucus goers that he was worth their while. Look: I am a politics junkie. I smoke this shit for breakfast. And I know, from years of observation, that the Youth Vote does not…vote.

4 years ago a gargantuan effort was made to register America’s youth to vote (VOTE or DIE, remember?). The effort was wildly successful. America’s youth registered to vote in record numbers. These freshly registered voters were supposed to be the ace up John Kerry’s sleeve. And had they actually turned out to vote for him John Kerry would be president today. But as usual they did not.

Those little shits let us down again.
>>Hunter S. Thompson, Nov. 2004

I mistakenly disregarded Barack Obama’s run on the presidency — largely because I deemed that he was mistakenly counting on the youth to come out and vote for him. I also had — and still have — some questions about his sincerity. Those misgivings about his sincerity were somewhat dispelled by the speech he gave last night. It was stirring. But questions about sincerity are moot now. Unless Hillary somehow wins in New Hampshire on Tuesday — I would not bet on it…but then I would have bet that Edwards would win Iowa so what do I know? — Barack Obama looks all but unstoppable. If he can round up the kids to come out and vote for him he will be the nominee.

Perhaps more importantly: with the elusive Youth Vote on his side the is no Republican who can beat him in November. Assuming there is an election in November…Barack Obama will be the next president.

I wish him well.

Iowa

John Edwards wins tonight. He doesn’t win big. But he doesn’t have to. He’ll take roughly a third of the vote. So will Hillary. So will Obama. But Edwards will take the greater third. When his plane lands in New Hampshire tomorrow morning at dawn John Edwards will be the new front runner. And that will be a good news for America.

Dig: Here’s one good thing George W. Bush has done! See I personally…I’ve always hated America. Not that I ever wanted anything particularly Bad to happen to the U.S. I have just always thought we were wrong. Shit I thought Bill Clinton was a Nazi. What I’m trying to say is that I have just never been a big fan of my own country.

But George W. Bush changed all that. Because now America is getting our Ass Kicked. So on the basis of rooting for the long-odd underdog I find myself — for the first time ever — wanting America to win.

I’m not going to go on & on about why I think this John Edwards character represents America’s best chance to win.  Watch him on the news tonight & judge for yourself. But while you do remember that he is the only candidate — with a chance to win — who portrays the battle we face as We The People vs. the Corporations.

Another thing I like about the guy — and ya’ll know this is personal to me. He took time out of his campaign schedule recently to visit a homeless shelter. Far as I know he is the only candidate from either party to do so. For a reason…well, 2 reasons. With few exceptions — myself among them — homeless people don’t vote. Moreover, with all that has gone wrong in the world today, homelessness is one of the least ’sexy’ issues. People think the homeless somehow deserve the plight we’re in — but that’s not true.

I no more deserve homelessness than a storm refugee from New Orleans deserves homelessness. But this isn’t about homelessness. It’s about the election. I bring up Edwards’ visit to the homeless shelter only to illustrate the point that I think this dude cares. He has heart. And that is why I have been in his corner since I saw him officially announce his first run on the presidency on Comedy Central’s John Stewart show back in 2003.